augusta speaks

Therapist Abuse: Don't Let It Happen To You

2012-01-30T21:08:00.002-05:00

I have had several therapists over many years. Some okay, some terrible, some for a short amount of time, a few for a longer amount of time and some I only saw one time. Therapists are people too and they definitely aren't perfect like we would like them to be. Sometimes they can do some pretty ignorant things like taking phone calls from their family members during your session or eating during your session and things like that. Some of those things should be seen as red flags and you shouldn't let them get away it because its not right. However, those are little things.

The fact that I was misdiagnosed for many years, I believe, contributing to my "floundering in the mental health system." Once I was properly diagnosed I was sent to a reputable hospital in another state to make sure thats what I was really suffering from. Once that was confirmed the work continued however, that therapist and I parted ways soon after. She left me with no referral or anything. I eventually "got over it" and continued my treatment with another therapist in the area who had experience dealing with my particular "disorder". Soon after that I decided that I needed to make another change more so due to my geographical area (I wanted to find someone closer to where I lived) and I had other issues that were coming up. So to make a long story short (too late right?) I did find someone and let me tell you, knowing what I know now, the next couple of years of my life was a bizarre, living hell.

It's been a few years since I have cut ties with this particular therapist however the things that happened between us have been coming up a lot lately and even though this therapist no longer practices therapy (Thank God!), I hope that this doesn't ever happen to anyone else and I hope this particular post can help someone in a similar situation.

When I met this particular therapist, I had initially gone to them under the assumption that I would be seeing them for another problem that was continually coming up. When I got there and over the first session I disclosed my current diagnosis and the therapist said that they had previously suffered from the same condition. Great, I initially thought, that means that this person really has an insight into my condition, I should be able to get some genuine treatment. Boy was I wrong.

Things were okay the first year that I saw my therapist, in the beginning months it was more about getting to know them and building trust with them. After that first year things really started to decline and get worse and unfortunately I stayed. I stayed for I don't even remember how long now but I stayed. Mostly because there was no one else to see at the time due to insurance issues and lack of therapists. I thought at least maybe half of the time things would be decent and that was better than nothing. I don't want to write out a long list of how this therapist wronged me. First and foremost they didn't uphold their end of the deal, being "First do no harm." Out of all the abuse I have suffered in my life, my abusers eventually either died, moved away or just disappeared. They have been able to walk away with no consequences at all. Just like my former therapist. Due to the fact that they do not practice anymore, there's not really much that I can do.

My message to you is, if you notice that your therapist is acting unethical in any way, even if they are compassionate to your situation or not, you might not be a good fit. Don't stay! Don't put up with it, you deserve much more than that!

Over the course of many years, my therapist abused me, verbally and emotionally. It's only now that I realize what they did was wrong. VERY WRONG. No therapist should ever:

-Cross boundaries.
-Blame anything and everything on you.
-Sleep through half of your appointment.
-Cancel your appointments or abruptly stop them when they become angry.
-Let their personal life invade their professional life (i.e., talking about their personal problems in your session.)
-Tell you that they have complained about you to their colleagues and that they agreed with them.
-Withold support and refuse to have any contact with you.
-Completely manipulate you and yell at you.
-Give you access to their home telephone number.
-Direct the session telling you what you can and cannot do (beyond the regular safety concerns).
-Take personal phone calls during your session.
-Divulge personal information like your a friend.
-Threaten you.

The affects can be long lasting and very damaging. Someone in a position to help shouldn't cause further harm. Enough said.

The Good, The Bad, I'm UGLY

2011-10-29T14:03:00.005-04:00

I am currently taking a break from my thermogenics. I am trying to do at least a five day break even though it recommends roughly seven. I am trying to come to a compromise with my lovely, little bottle of purple pills. They could have PARTLY been the reason that I ended up in the hospital in September with an added combination of other things.

I had been having weird chest pain feelings and anxiety pretty much all of the month of September. I finally went to see my doctor who was concerned and admitted me to the cardiac floor of the local hospital. This is where I learned, something that I already knew and heard a thousand times before, its just that they weren't getting it. I was doing everything that I was supposed to be doing regarding the ANEMIA. I know I'm anemic, it has turned out to be pretty serious. Blood transfusion, iron IV serious, however I am taking my iron so I don't know what else to do. It was a wake up call for me as they told me that I am now starting to have "heart problems." I came clean with everything that I was doing. The exercise. The bulimia. The abuse of caffeine and my thermogenics. Most everyone, nurses, even doctors don't even know what thermogenics are. How could they not? I had to keep explaining myself. Due to their lack of knowledge that is probably why they didn't recommend to stop taking them.

My therapist and I have been, what I feel as arguing, lately because I never thought or fully think she will understand my eating/exercise issues. I asked for her advice on whether she could point us in the right direction of someone who could give us a more "in-depth" perspective on our food issues, because of the nightmare that they cause. I'll give her credit that she tried her best to help, but I don't honestly think that she clearly gets it. This would make someone wonder why we even see her to begin with but its for a variety of issues in which she is great with. Her only downfall is we don't feel she can help us with this particular issue.

I realize that I need to be accountable for my own actions. I feel a lot of blame has been placed on me. Leaving the hospital, has left us with a huge hospital bill. When I mentioned the anxiety that it leaves, not that it was said this bluntly but my therapist informed me that if I wouldn't continue to be so irresponsible with my eating/exercise than I wouldn't have landed in the hospital. While everything does seem to revolve around eating/exercise to me, in another way it doesn't. For example, if I wake up in the morning with a horrible migraine is it all attributed to my overexercise? If I get a cold, break my arm, get hives, etc. is it all because I overexercised, didn't eat right? Hardly. It sounds absurd. I get what she means to a point, our actions cause more problems. Why is it that I can spend the money for my thermogenics but not the prescriptions/medications that I truly need? It's crazy, but I can't nit pick and beat myself up over every little thing. Everyone has their vices whether its gambling, shopping, drinking, whatever. I guess mine just happens to be thermogenics. Lovely, wonderful, they are probably going to kill me someday thermogenics!

Having A Bad Day

2011-03-29T20:17:00.002-04:00

I've noticed I haven't posted in awhile, probably on account of school. I still miss my grandmother every single day.

Anyways, I am having a bad day and feeling pretty miserable about myself. I haven't been happy at all lately and haven't been able to sleep at all for the past two weeks. I'm exhausted. I'm stubborn, I'm set in my ways. I don't think it would be as bad if I talked to more people and had more of a social network/support system but in reality I am rather isolated from the world, (besides the gym and I don't talk to anyone there except to say "Hello" to the workers at the front desk). I'm not there to socialize, I'm there to exercise.

Speaking of exercise, I feel as though the more I exercise the bigger/fatter my legs look. It's really pissing me off. I feel like I must do better, as in increasing my exercise time by perhaps another hour and cut down on my eating. This is all giving me anxiety at night, which in turns makes me unable to sleep.

This evening I decided to join my family for a meal (something I rarely do). I felt like I ate too much (one piece of chicken, a few spoonfuls of vegetables, NO drink). So I trotted off to the bathroom to purge. (My purging seems to go in phases. This week seems to be a purging week, sometimes I go through a couple of weeks where I don't.) Obviously, I feel like I overdid it in that department too because I had an extremely hard time getting anything to come up except for blood. Yes, I know that is serious. I know I ate thinking that it would be okay because I would purge, however it backfired on me because I didn't want to push it due to the blood. I feel dissappointed in myself because I wasted all those calories.

My stomach and my throat hurt tremendously all on account of my own stupidity. I feel like I am getting fatter by the second. My legs look huge to me. I almost considered going back to the gym to burn it off but I was already there three times today because I was so tired and unmotivated.

These are the nights that I dislike being so isolated from the world with no one to talk to. What have I learned from this? That things are becoming more serious physically YET I am still stubborn and set in my ways. Instead of binging and purging I seriously wish that I could just give up food period. Please GOD give me strength to do this.

Life As We Know It Has Changed Forever

2010-11-11T15:26:00.003-05:00

My grandmother was unfortunate to develop Alzheimers. This past September she had a stroke, less than three weeks later she had another. In less than two months she went from her home-to the hospital-to a rehab hospital-to the hospital again-to a nursing home-to another nursing home. After she moved to the last nursing home, she decided to give up. She stopped talking, then stopped opening her eyes, then eating altogether. I visited her faithfully at least twice a week. I couldn't stop telling her how much I loved her and that I didn't want to see her like this. Last Wednesday, when I was at the gym, I had this nagging feeling of having to go see her. I was going to put it off but something kept telling me to go. So I went to see her. I sat with her for about an hour talking to her non-stop about things I needed to tell her. Later in the day my mother went to see her and I got a text from her saying that she thought my grandmother was dying. She was right. By the next morning the doctors said she would die that day. She did. At 2:20 p.m.

She was the only grandmother that I had in the world and although we had our differences I miss her terribly. Life as we know it has changed forever.

I miss you Gam.

Is it really worth it?

2010-09-10T13:59:00.003-04:00

For months and months I've been cautioned about what people call my over exercise. I don't think I will ever admit to it because, unfortunately, I don't see any exercise as over exercise. To me it's chasing the fat away. Exercise is something that I need to do, I need to keep that mentality because I don't want to get lax in my exercise and then give up and be right back where I started.

I don't know if I am being a hypochondriac or its just my anxiety kicking in but I have been having symptoms related to yet another ulcer. The fact that I haven't been able to see a doctor in almost two years due to not having insurance is also increasing my anxiety. I feel like when I do get my insurance in December I will fall into the classic soap opera system where at my first checkup I will be told that I have cancer and only six months to live all because I didn't fork over thousands of dollars for one doctor appointment.

Anyway all the exercise and the manipulating of diet pills and thermogenics all so I don't get more FAT. On days like this when again, I feel absolutely terrible, physically, it just makes me wonder if its even worth it anymore.

Update

2010-08-24T21:18:00.003-04:00

I've taken the Oxyelite Pro for about a month now. I think that while it revs up my heart rate just a little, it's good for maintaining weight overall. In the beginning weeks I felt like I had more energy, however its probably lost its effectiveness. Maybe that is why they tell you to take a 4 week break. I like the product, its the best thermogenic I have taken (i've also used GNC's Burn 60 and some amplified blah blah blah).

Hoping for the Best

2010-07-26T19:43:00.002-04:00

One day I ventured out into the city and passed a GNC store. I decided to go in just to browse and oddly enough as shy as I am, ended up striking up a conversation with the store worker when she asked if I needed any help. During the conversation we were talking about calorie burners as I was looking in that area.

I've been to several different GNC stores and usually never listen to what they have to say because I don't think they work there for their "expertise". Anyways, during the conversation the worker said that they have been taking something called "Oxyelite Pro" and in her opinion it makes her feel that she is "running a marathon." I asked if they had it in stock and she said that they did, so I checked it out and thanked her for her time. Later on, after scrounging up the money, I purchased some at the GNC I usually go to and the worker in that store said that he has heard really great things about Oxyelite Pro. This made me feel even more confident in the product. There's been a ton of great reviews on the internet. It's been more effective for the people who add EXERCISE to their daily routine. I wouldn't imagine that you would pop them in your mouth and lay around and watch t.v. all day and lose weight.

So my point is that by luck I found out about a great thermogenic from GNC with good reviews so hopefully it works for me.

It Was All A Lie, Now I Need To Exercise Till I Die.

2010-04-30T19:49:00.004-04:00

I can't believe its been so long since I posted anything. Not that it really matters because no one reads this blog anyways. Maybe I will post more now that I've taken myself off of Twitter and unfortunately was suspended from Polyvore (I was making eating disorder collages and then didn't like that so they came out with a new rule that it was no longer allowed).

So, let's see since December I managed to put on 12 lbs. wondering why only to have my world crash down around me a couple of weeks ago to find out why. I was totally miscalculating my calorie intake. The workers at the gym insisted that the machines' calorie count was at least 70 to 80 percent accurate WRONG. I finally went out and plunked down the money for an HRM (Heart Rate Monitor) to test all the machines. Boy were they way off way, way, way OFF. My favorite machine the ARC Machine wasn't even 50 percent right, it's more like 20 percent accurate! Most of the other ones weren't very accurate as well, the only one that came even a little bit close was the Elliptical Machine (from Life Fitness).

So it turns out that I wasn't burning the amount of calories I thought I was even when I cut it down by half. Unfortunately, it takes way longer/double the amount of time to burn off the calories that I thought I was, which is turning into an incredible headache and is very discouraging. On a positive note, now that I do have the HRM I can try other activities instead of being restricted to the gym.

My eating disorder hasn't gotten any better. I went back to purging again. I try not to do it everyday. Today I have a sore throat, which scares the hell out of me because I am afraid of the damage that I am doing, but stupidly continuing to do that.

When I'm told that I have the choice in regard to my exercise and eating habits, I feel like I don't have the choice, especially when it comes to the exercise. If I don't punish myself with it then it will be easy to give up and not exercise at all.

Grrrrrrrrr No one truly understands.

New Years Resolutions

2009-12-31T20:42:00.002-05:00

Wow. I have one follower for my blog what a loser I am. That isn't what one of my resolutions is for the year though. Instead of hitting the gym and getting in shape like most people say (oh my there have been a lot of gym tours this week, it reminds me of last year i wonder where those people are now...) Anyway, its time to really get REAL, I really need everyone's support on this please. My resolution(s) are as follows:

1) to curb my eating habits
2) to give up eating period.
3) keep going to the gym.

Lets see how we do. Happy New Year.

I will die, but I will be dead and skinny.

2009-12-22T19:49:00.007-05:00

I gasped at the t.v. when I found out that Brittney Murphy died this week. When the news said she had a heart attack the first thing I thought of was how skinny she was. It stuck in my head about how Howard Stern commented on her "dieting down", changing her appearance and how much better she looked. I always envied her transformation from that frumpy girl in Clueless to how she looked in Uptown Girls. I always and still want to be her whether people thought she looked emaciated or not, that's how I want to look too. She has always been my role model and I have respected for her willpower and discipline to be so thin.

Looking at my last post, I have failed pretty miserably at my goal of cutting down my calories. I am trapped in this vicious binge/purge/starvation cycle. I still want to reach that goal that I posted after Thanksgiving. I just had a birthday where I turned 31 and I felt like Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles because everyone literally forgot my birthday. I was pleased with myself because I didn't eat any cake or dessert that day.

Sometimes things can feel so overwhelming that I have finally learned that I just need to work on one thing at a time and put the rest away for later, if I can. Since we are approaching the end of the year there a few things that I want to line up for 2010. Trying to keep myself busy is always a must because it keeps me distracted from eating. I am starting college in the beginning of January (even though I feel too old to go). There is an 18 and over swim club that I would also like to join for extra exercise. Hopefully those two things will keep me busy and the more distracted I need to be I guess I will just add more activities.

I must not eat I really need the willpower. I did just come across a site recently called prettythin.com. It has a lot of info on eating disorders and somewhat of a support system. I don't know too much about it as I just joined. I musn't be too crazy because I can get validation from watching the Devil Wears Prada, these are some quotes to live by:

"So none of the girls here eat anything?

Not since two became new four and zero became the new two.

Well, I'm a six...

Which is the new fourteen."

"You look so thin.

Really? It's for Paris, I'm on this new diet. Well, I don't eat anything and when I feel like I'm about to faint I eat a cube of cheese. I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight.

As for my exercise, if I miss a day at the gym my anxiety levels go up dramatically and I have to burn off all the panic which makes my heart rate level feel sky high at 175.

Happy Christmas and New Year if I don't write before then.

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-29T15:27:00.003-05:00

This Thanksgiving my daughter and I did something different. We had dinner by ourselves at a Pub. They had a pretty good spread and I was actually hungry after a week of trying to starve myself. I had been having anxiety all week regarding the dreaded Thanksgiving dinner. That must be the worst holiday of all for someone with an eating disorder.

So. I ate. I wouldn't say I overly stuffed myself I ate until I was a twinge, uncomfortably full and trotted off to the bathroom to purge (not caring if anyone was around to hear me or not). I immediately felt better physically and mentally and then my daughter and I headed off to the dessert buffet they had loading a huge plate of almost every dessert they had to "sample". Instead of eating the whole entire plate we took a bite or two of everything that was on it. Again, I immediately felt sick and went to the bathroom to purge again. I felt better almost instantly and actually pleased with myself for ridding the food from my body and there was no blood.

Unfortunately, a couple of days later my throat began to hurt pretty badly. I have flipped the other way and have been trying not to eat. My goal is to gradually cut down my calories on a day by day basis until I am only eating 200 or 300 a day if any at all. I don't want to purge anymore as it is taking a huge toll on my throat. It does scare me when I throw up blood because I know I can be doing a lot of damage. I think trying to eat as little as possible is the safer bet and I hope to continue on not eating through the holidays and then really stick to it all year long.

Struggling

2009-11-15T17:53:00.003-05:00

I am still stuck in this deep depression. I can't seem to snap out of it. Trying to find the answer within is hard. It's not that I don't want to try I just feel very stuck and it shows because we've hardly been to the gym and that isn't like us. I feel like I am failing everything. I am not content with anything whether it be exercising, eating, sleeping, reading, watching television. I try to do things to distract myself and things that we like but I just don't care. I went to the hockey game last night which I used to LOVE, now I could care less, looking at the clock just wanting to go home but then again I don't want to be there either.

I feel very disconnected from my therapist. I've also been very isolated. I just don't know what to do anymore. We are literally just going through the motions. I guess for now the only thing we can do is just wait for it to pass over. Hopefully soon!

Whatever

2009-11-09T20:10:00.004-05:00

I've been in a really grouchy mood lately because no matter what I do my weight seems to go up rather than down. I am at the point where I absolutely hate eating but nevertheless went on a binge over the weekend due to being so incredibly hungry (probably because we tried starving ourselves all week). I skipped the gym both days too due to lack of childcare which was good because I was soooooo exhausted but horrible because I didn't exercise. I am really frustrated because whatever I do, my weight either goes up a pound or two or back up. I am really mad at myself because I feel as though I am being lazy and I could try harder but I don't because I am so unmotivated. It's all literally becoming a nightmare. When I think of the gym its like torture.

So I went to see my therapist today. To me she seemed like she was pissed about something. She said it wasn't us but she could have been pissed off about something else IMO. I started talking to her about all this stuff I have mentioned above. To me it seemed like she was being short with me and coming off to me by her tone of voice and being critical at times. I pointed it out to her twice and she became really defensive and said that I was projecting. I don't understand projection in a therapeutic sense. So I looked it up today just to get a general idea. I still don't really get it and if part of projection is not realizing it, then that part is true. I truly don't.

Anyway, I told her that if I have to give up eating completely in order to lose weight, then I guess that is what I will have to try and start doing. My therapist said "Now, how do you expect me to respond to that?!?" I guess I did something wrong, because to me I was trying to tell her what was going on in my head, almost like I was thinking outloud. I wasn't trying to play games with her as if to say " I'm going to say I want to be anorexic and see how she responds to it."

I must not be expressing myself clearly enough. This whole eating/not eating/eating disorder/exercising stuff that I am going through isn't some childish game I am playing looking for attention. What I am trying to say is:

I'm scared about food, yet I think about it 24/7. Exercise is torture to me, yet I have to do it because when I eat I feel EXTREMELY guilty. Going out for dinner gives me a lot of anxiety and the thought terrifies me. When I put food in my mouth I feel as though I have failed, I am weak, oh if only I seriously could be anorexic. I already have all the psychological problems that go it just not the actual eating part. I need to be more strong willed. I must not eat. If I have to sit and read every book on weight/dieting/exercise/metabolism/losing weight in Barnes & Noble I will!

2009-10-21T19:35:00.001-04:00

I am dying of an eating disorder. Nobody cares. I've tried. Believe me, i've tried but in the end I'm dying of eating disorder and nobody cares. not.even.me.

To Eat or Not To Eat That is the Question.

2009-10-15T20:46:00.002-04:00

I'm bulimic and it sucks. I just went on a binge, I don't know what triggered it. I feel like complete crap, my stomach hurts and I didn't even go to the gym today. I already took a rest day on Tuesday so I am feeling SUPER guilty. There was no way I could have went though, I felt so jittery and nauseated. However, if I don't have the attitude about exercising like I do, then it would just get easier to miss day after day after day. I seriously wish I could go anorexic. I know that is horrible to say but what I feel like I am struggling with is just the same probably as what anorexics go through just minus the eating. Oh, if only I could give up food period. I would probably be less stressed.

Does It Really Matter?

2009-09-30T21:03:00.002-04:00

I thought I would just write a quick post before I start researching the internet about what the hell I am doing wrong and why I keep gaining weight. When I have asked for advice it has come down to two theories:

a) I don't eat enough. (Hah! Yeah right!)
b) Muscle weighs more than fat. (since we weight train).

I hate it when people use option b. How about that I am just a fat ass who is never going to maintain her weight? I read somewhere online I wish that I would have kept the website that a person who was significantly overweight for most of their lives needs to exercise for 90 minutes a day at a MINIMUM. Most people need about 30-60 depending on what their needs are I guess. I have to give myself credit that even though I am ready to scream, cry, have a temper tantrum, etc. I try to tough through it although I am at the point now that I hate it soo much and my day isn't complete unless I go to the damn gym.

I was maintaining my weight between 152 and 155 lbs. but now its been skyrocketing to 158!!! What a disaster. I guess I have to exercise 24/7 and eat air. I am so disgusted with myself. I tried to measure my waist to make myself feel better, it supposedly went from a 39 to a 35, but I'm sure I was probably measuring wrong.

SIGH.

I guess I am off to researching for the night.

Nothing New Here

2009-09-03T20:49:00.002-04:00

We already dropped out the of eating disorders group. I went for four weeks, we really gave it a try but it was pretty terrible. Most of the people that attended were patients of the therapist moderating the group and it felt like we interfering with some kind of clique. The conversation always seemed to revolve around two common subjects: golf and speed dating. This was because the people in the group were all talked out having had their sessions previously in the day. I thought it was just me, but apparently other people thought the group sucked as well because I found a comment section somewhere about it on the hospital website. When the moderator asked if she would see us the following week, I told her no, she wouldn't and that the group pretty much sucked. She pretty much said that that was on us then, if we didn't want to come back. Yeah, she's right if we don't want to go back that is on us.

As for my eating and exercise habits, now that school has started (for my daughter) I feel a little relief that I don't have to get up at 5 am to go the gym anymore. We started back into our rigorous exercise program Monday by Wednesday we already had to take a rest day because the day before my heart felt like it was literally going to explode out of my chest. My heart actually. Literally. Physically. Hurt. It felt like it was working very hard during my workout and the next morning I woke up very nauseated and was vomiting. Has anyone experienced this before, I feel like I am on my way to a heart attack.

Let Them Eat Cake

2009-08-03T16:41:00.002-04:00

I have to laugh at the title to my post today because thats literally the way I feel. I just started secretly going to an eating disorders support group at one of the local hospitals on Wednesday nights. In order to have childcare, I told my mother I was going to a support group for people who have undergone bariatric surgery (because there is no point of even bringing up the subject with her). This Wednesday happens to be my grandmother's birthday and everyone is getting together at the exact time that the group starts for cake. I don't want to be there. Number one because my family members will annoy me and number two because I don't want to be in the situation where there is dessert since I feel like I don't have any control right now in that department. Always the suspicious and untrusting mother she thinks I am up to no good and is forcing my participation in this family get together. I don't really have any other childcare to fall back on so I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. My therapist's suggestion was to take my daughter with me but there isn't a safe place for her to wait for me there and I don't want to have to drag her along with me because she doesn't know what is going on and its just not fair for her. I am at the point where I hate food and I never want to eat again! Especially cake. So let them all go and eat cake.

Old Habits Die Hard

2009-07-15T22:57:00.002-04:00

For the last month or so I've been absolutely exhausted. I don't know what is from? Being anemic, not eating right, exercising wrong...all of thee above. I know I was diagnosed with walking pneumonia a couple of weeks ago, I don't know how long that lasts. I just know that I am extremely tired and haven't been able to exercise the way I used too. I was averaging about 7,000 calories burned a week then was up in the 10-12,000 range for the week. Now I am lucky if i can pull of a 5,000 calorie burn for a week. I've been missing a lot of days at the gym and dread it now when I go. I still try to go even when I am tired to see if it will boost my energy level. I did sprint intervals around the neighborhood last night for an hour, by the time I was done I could walk barely walk in a straight line and was sort of dizzy. I feel like in the way of dieting and exercising I am doing everything wrong. I would be happier sitting around watching television and eating. Dangerous things I did before my surgery. I wish I could really get back into my hard core exercising habits.

Taking That First Step

2009-07-11T16:44:00.002-04:00

The other night, I went on a binge and then tried to purge. Ten minutes of shoving practically my whole hand down my throat, struggling to throw up, only to throw up only blood and then get a sudden intense pain in my throat. Oh my God, I've probably torn it was my first thought. Frantically looking in the mirror, I noticed that it turned a little black and blue. Scary. This can't go on I thought. I'm looking into other things now, like giving my throat a rest and going the laxative route, diet pills too which I didn't want to start up again or just giving up eating. Theres no way we could last just cutting off food completely, so my plan I guess is to continue exercising and gradually lop off our eating till we are eating as little as we possibly can. It's going to be a hell of a battle. In the meantime, I am so sick of dealing with all this, and I'm sure that people are sick of hearing it too, I'm just not going to talk about it anymore. Except on here I guess.

My therapist suggested at least going to an eating disorders support group at one of the local hospitals. I did make the call but the group leader/therapist is on vacation this week. I guess I am going to go to it to see whats its like, once I get ahold of her and if i am even accepted. I was reading over what information they did give over the internet and it said that you have to recognize that you do have an eating disorder. I really don't believe it a lot of times. Sometimes I feel like this all is a big deal, but then most of the time I just shove that thought aside because I probably am not as hardcore as other people and just being a big baby and/or overly dramatic about all of this. I guess. I guess. I guess.

Down with the Sickness

2009-07-03T18:54:00.002-04:00

I finally gave in and visited the mobile health care van to find out that I have "walking pneumonia". That would explain things. Especially feeling so weak. Since then I've felt worse, maybe from the antibiotics she gave me, I'm not really sure. Feeling so bad like this had forced me to skip a whole three days in a ROW at the gym! Augh! The first day I returned which was on Tuesday, I had an okay work out day but then disaster struck the next two days. I feel like this pneumonia is really kicking my @$$ because my workouts have been a disaster so far. While being sick can have its benefits (like weight loss) there is a time that it does creep back up on you unfortunately. So I regained the five pounds I lost. Oh will there ever be a time that I don't complain about my weight. I think its just because I fear that I am going to get fat again. I said I didn't want to go the route of diet pills again but I found some on this bariatric website so I am thinking they might be a little bit better than what you would find at GNC or something especially if its for bariatric purposes or maybe I am just wasting my money on something that is a big bunch of bullshit where I can just eat a whole bunch of fiber and that will do the trick. I need to find more projects to keep me busy and get my roadbike. Ugh. Numbers, numbers, numbers and counting. Numbers with weight, counting calories burned, calories eaten, BMI's, BMR's, scales, measuring tape, measuring cups, ENOUGH!

It's Back! & With a Vengence

2009-06-25T15:16:00.004-04:00

My eating disorder is back.

In my last post, I should have never said about wanting the discipline to be anorexic. I wasn't trying to "make light" of E.D.'s because they aren't fun. What I am going through I wouldn't wish on anyone. It's not a game, its real life.

I got into an argument with my therapist today about this whole issue. I guess I feel like she is coming across as mad at me because she feels helpless, as that is not her area of "expertise." There are already so many things right now and this issue is interrupting it. Almost as if its two adults trying to have a conservation and a kid (the eating disorder) keeps nagging and interrupting us.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone and its not something I've been striving to have. We've been really sick for two weeks. I'm pretty sure its bronchitis since I've had it before many times, i think it could even be pneumonia, however I can't self diagnose, it never works. We feel extremely weak right now to the point where its hard to even get up to go the bathroom, walk, climb stairs, etc. We are just too damn tired. So tired that we are having trouble sleeping because we are just toooooo tired. When we think of the going to the gym we literally burst into tears. We feel so bad right now but don't want to fall out of the habit of going to the gym. We've seen more than enough pictures of us in our "heavier days" which scares the hell out of us that we are going to get FAT(TER) again, especially if we don't push ourselves to go to the gym, weak or not. We don't want to fall out of the habit, yet we continue on this dangerous path (especially with being anemic and having consistently low potassium levels). We got a second chance with surgery and a new stomach and what do we do to repay everyone, go and mess it up. I have tried to research the effects of bulimia on gastric bypass patients but haven't really had any luck. We can't go to an E.D. program because we have no insurance. I feel like such a failure the whole way around. Today I weigh 147.8 pounds and to me it might as well be 257 pounds.

Denial

2009-06-21T21:17:00.003-04:00

It's obvious that I haven't posted for awhile. I was just reading my last entry. Funny how I denied myself of having an exercise disorder thinking that was the reason for certain things. I had a miscarriage last month not even knowing that I was pregnant. What a dumb --- I am. I thought it was from the overexercising apparently i was wrong. I've been in denial about a lot of things, that is why I am posting this tonight. Maybe I can reach out here since I have been unable to in other ways. I feel so damn confused. I don't know if I'm just not trying to face the realities or whatever, or maybe people thing that I am making a big deal out of nothing.

Oh, where to begin...Tonight I went out to dinner, immediately my anxiety was high, especially if its spur of the moment and/or I can't "research" the restaurant to find out the nutritional info. Anything that I put in my mouth I immediately feel guilty. The more I try to limit myself I feel like I lose control. Instead of waiting to get home to throw up, now I do it at the restaurant. The other thing I noticed is that I do it no matter who I am with knowing full well that they are going to catch on when I am excusing myself to go to the bathroom immediately after eating and I'm at the point that I don't even care, however I go to great lengths so no one "hears me" when I am in there. Grrr, i'm sure this stupid post doesn't even make sense. One thing my body cannot tolerate is fried, sugary foods so I purposely ate something containing both to stimulate my body to throw up.

What kind of life is this where I am huddled in a bathroom stall shoving three to four fingers down my throat (because two aren't working anymore) and have sores on the back of them? My throat is very sore along with the corners of my mouth, my eyes are bloodshot, my stomach (which already has an ulcer) hurts terribly, I have bad heartburn, my teeth are very sensitive and yet I still continue this madness thinking oh, i'll just stop tomorrow. I can't stop! I'm ruining my stomach! I got a second chance, having gastric bypass a year ago and i'm ruining things already but yet I don't want to hear it. I feel scared. I feel like this is becoming a huge problem. I'm sure a lot of it is psychological but I don't know where to begin. I feel its beyond what my therapist can do, especially since we are multiple and theres tons of issues going on with them.

As for going to the gym, if I don't go at least twice a day that makes me feel guilty as well. I am at the point now where I absolutely HATE going, it feels grueling and I am exhausted. If I go for two hours that absoluately not enough.

Oh, if only I had the willpower to be anorexic. I wish I could be as disciplined as those girls. I remember once someone telling me that the first week was always the hardest. I'm sick of all this calorie counting, exercising, trying to stay busy so I don't eat bullshit.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Augusta

Losing Weight, Feeling Great?

2009-04-15T14:10:00.002-04:00

I have been a member of my gym for four months now, my weight has gone down almost 20 pounds (it would be more if I was more dedicated). I go faithfully almost everyday and try to take one day a week off, sometimes two however no more than that. I feel as though if I am not rundown and exhausted from being there that I am not doing enough. I always make time for the gym, it has to be scheduled into my day or rather I try to plan my day around the gym. Am I truly becoming obsessed? I don't classify myself as having an exercise disorder, I see myself as fat as the day of my surgery. I do know that I don't find it fun anymore, I am sure I was burned out by month two, but when I see the scale/my weight getting lower and lower it really motivates me. I guess its all worth it, even when I am sooooo sick of being there. I think I have also busted through my plateau, as I cranked my exercise time up to three and a half to four hours from the three that i was doing. I try to keep a better account of my calories and eat a little more. I have also lost my period, definitely know that I am not pregnant, I don't know if that is from the exercise. Despite all this I love those dropping numbers on the scale. Do I have a problem though?

Splitting in a Good Way

2009-02-11T13:55:00.002-05:00

Since I provide so many rants about my exercise habits and then other things get flopped in there with other parts, I think I am going to split things into two blogs. Augusta speaks will be more about my rants about exercise and such and the other we are devoting to the system as a whole and its going to be called "The Treehouse News". Thanks to those who've put up with my blogging weirdness.

Lost

2009-01-21T14:15:00.002-05:00

For those few of you (maybe 3 or 4 people if i'm lucky) that do read my blog, please forgive our lack of posts lately. Last week our computer suddenly died, which takes me back to the computer incident of 2006..anyway it happened again. We are without a computer it totally crashed this time and we've have been trying to get to the library off and on to at least check our email. As most of you in this situation would know when you don't have a computer, it almost feels as though your already isolated existance is now even more isolated because its like being shut off from the entire world. Just makes me want to "GRRRRR" all the way around. Everyone inside, including myself feels as though we are on this fast past rollercoaster (kinda of like Storm Runner at Hersheypark). We take off in seconds and are on the go all day long and we can't get off unless the rollercoaster, slow down or preferably stops but we feel locked in trapped, controlled by other people. Our free time seems to be devoted to other people anymore. When we say No, we feel incredibly guilty because what are we doing if we have no job? That mystery lies within the other parts who all feel like they need to hurry up and do what they need to do before we switch again or whatever. Everyone is spinning around like little tops in/out of the revolving door. It gives me such a headache. Yarg. :(

I Don't Care About Anything Anymore

2009-01-10T19:03:00.002-05:00

It's been awhile since the last post, so I thought I would write something, bad mood and all. I'm so fed up. Sick of things. Sick of my family acting like they sacrifice so much (no pun intended), walking around like martyrs. Give me a break. Since we lost our job, I would say that 95% of our time involves doing things for everyone else, because according to them "we aren't doing anything anyway." I at least have been saying No, don't want to be a part of their b.s. whatever. Yet, I'm sure the other parts are complying with what the rest of the family wants them to do. There has been such huge time loss during the day yet we seem to be on this racetrack, this race for time. I don't get it. In order to go see our therapist, we have to have our daughter remind us, write it down and set 2 alarms and put it in our calendar on our cell phone. Thats how upside down things have gotten. Huge chunks of the day are missing, according to other parts, yet when people ask us what have we been up to, we say that we are so busy and are just on the go 24/7. Okay, then what the hell are we doing? This all probably doesn't make sense, I sound like I am talking in circles, all secretive in what not. A lot of the attitudes are inside that they just don't care anymore. We want to get off this fast track and just slow down and figure things out. Because things feel like they are spiraling out of control to the point know where everyone wants to give up because theres too much to be worked out. There's too many little issues going on that are leading away from the bigger picture and oh, I'm sure thats what "the bad people" want. Homelessness, demons, eating/exercise, just generally falling apart are all the issues that keep stepping in our way. Who knew that gastric bypass surgery would turn our lives even more upside down. Yes, its a lot of work all the way around, but who knew that it would make us go completely crazy???

Belonging Nowhere

2009-01-02T12:49:00.002-05:00

We moved out of our apartment around Labor Day and we've hardly been back since then. It's ridiculous. At first, our intention was to get away from our pain in the @$$ neighbors and thought moving within the complex would get the henchmen off our trail. Upon moving in, we were hurt again and just threw up our hands in frustration. We just feel as though we don't belong there in that apartment. It's just not right for us. For awhile we stayed at our mother's house when she would work nights, now it has come to the point that whenever we go home its so uncomfortable that we must leave immediately. It's like visiting the Amityville Horror House with the eerie voice saying "Get out!" Even though we just moved there in September, everyone inside has agreed that we should move to another apartment if it makes us that unhappy. Who cares what other people think about the situation? It's not as though it effects them. Oh, if it only were that simple. Currently, we receive Section 8 Housing/HUD or whatever you want to call it and while the location of current apartment seems ideal, there are no other HUD homes available within the area we live in. This makes things especially difficult as we don't want to leave the school district that our daughter loves so much. We moved in our 4th grade year and everything went down hill from there. We made a pact that we would never do that to her, to make her move from the school she loves so much regardless of the situation, which puts us in a really tough spot. We have contacted several realtors in the past month or so to see if any of the landlords in the area accept HUD and they say they don't. I suppose they think people on Section 8 are losers, just like the stereotypes about people on welfare. As for now, sleeping in my car seems like a more comfortable option. I feel really stuck in the situation, as I want it to be remedied very quickly just like with everything else.

Polyvore

2008-12-29T09:24:00.002-05:00

Thankfully the Christmas Holiday is over. Kinda of sad in a way but know its time to move on past all the hurt and horror that happened over the worst Christmas Holiday EVER probably in my life, if you can even imagine. With everything we have suffered through in the past few days we want to just cast it aside and forget it but on the other hand we feel that we have the right to be heard about how painful it was. A lot of times we find it hard to talk about things so usually if we can find a text/song/video/picture we relay that first before talking. We liked making colleges but never had enough materials around to do them. So one day while we were on twitter someone mentioned hearing about this site called: Polyvore. You can browse through pictures and make online collages. So far we've done about four, I think its awesome. The last one I did was last night and has a lot to do with my struggles with eating. Yes, here we go you know I was going to bring up either the gym or my eating patterns at some point right??? My daughter says that I am obsessed with the gym and I probably am because in the last couple of months, I have fallen into the dangerous habit of "grazing" a huge no-no. The more I eat the more that I want. I am at the point where I am not going to buy food anymore so its not there to eat. I went to the gym with the mindset of burning 600 calories at a minimum, now I feel like with all my overeating, which I feel is ruining my body that I should burn 1,000 calories at a minimum. With all the efforts I, myself, make to exercise I don't understand why I can't just freaking stay away from food. GRRRRRRRR and bah humbug.

I Don't Get It

2008-12-19T15:56:00.002-05:00

Going back to my previous blog, I knew it would be a couple of days before I would start complaining about going to the gym. I've been there every day since I've joined at an average of 2 hours a day. I am burning the extra calories, not going home and eating like a pig but yet every day when I look in the mirror I feel like I am getting fatter. Perhaps I am not pushing myself hard enough on the machines as when I did go out running. I haven't ran all week actually, I would like to attempt to run on the treadmill however, knowing me I'll fall off of it as I get dizzy when I am on it. I really like the eliptical machines but like I said perhaps I am not pushing myself as hard as when I was jogging/walking or whatever the case was. I think tomorrow I am going to hit the stair climber machines to change up the pace and really try to push myself more. I haven't lost any weight, I've actually gained a pound. When I look in the mirror, I am feeling fatter than ever, WTF? I don't get it.

Gyms Rock!

2008-12-16T19:12:00.003-05:00

I've been kicking around the idea of joining a gym for the last couple of months. After checking a few out, I decided to go with Planet Fitness, as there is one not too far away from my house and for $10 a month who can beat that? Anyway, I joined yesterday, which also happened to be the body's 30th birthday. A birthday present to ourselves. Today was my first day there and it went pretty well. I started out on the treadmill and then hit the eliptical. I think I might have overdone it on the treadmill because I was kinda dizzy during and especially when I got off. The last time I was on a treadmill was probably three or four years ago and I was about 80 pounds heavier. As long as I burn at least 600 calories a day, I guess I shouldn't really care too much. I don't want to feel as though I am not "punishing myself enough" because I felt more burnt out during my other workouts then I did leaving the gym today. I think I'll hit the recumbent bike tomorrow.

Don't Call Me Skinny!

2008-12-10T09:11:00.003-05:00

I read in an article that this girl is anorexic. Does she look that way to you? I think she looks absolutely fine, although exhausted from exercise which is the way that I feel which is why I am really pushing myself to take the day off and rest my feet especially. I'm getting discouraged and its getting tougher each day to exercise in the cold, windy weather even though I have adopted the phrase, "rain, sleet, snow, sun..i run." I must be doing some type of good though because my neighbors have been commenting on seeing me exercise everyday and that it had motivated them to exercise more so they had a treadmill delivered to their house this week. This isn't a competition though, I am doing this for myself and no one else. I see this as a competition with my neighbors because their daughter and mine both swim competitively for the local swim team, (my daughter is swimming more for the benefit of exercise not to be the next Natalie Coughlin), but I am getting off the subject.

Even though I have been told that I will still continue to lose slowly from my surgery hopefully at least through February, I still feel the need to lose more weight. As weight loss is different for everyone and there are different facts and myths to exercise and eating, I found what works best for me is this (which actually isn't rocket science):

To lose weight you have to expend more calories then eat. DUH. In order to lose 2lbs a week you must expend an EXTRA 3,500 calories a week. So for the last 6 days I burned an extra 500-600 calories to see if this was fact and indeed it was. It feels like a whole lot of extra effort just to lose 1-2 pounds BUT those pounds add up. It's better then just sitting around eating and feeling sorry for yourself and since I have the time right now, that is what I intend to do even if I have to get up at 3 a.m. to do it. Call me crazy if you must, but I refuse to go back to the state I was in before my surgery.

Now if I could just get the other parts to agree with me we would be all set.

2008-12-06T21:38:00.002-05:00

It's The Most Suckiest Time of Year

2008-12-03T00:02:00.004-05:00

Okay, so I was wrong the last post wasn't our last. Luckily for us, we were able to make some decisions and alter the course of the Thanksgiving holiday to save us from being harmed to the point of never returning, however that lead into some other punishments in itself.
This is my collage that I just made on this sleepless night/morning. Have you ever been too tired to even sleep? My whole body hurts, especially my feet and I have been suffering from severe migraines again. I looked up the symptoms of overtraining and I have half of them but yet I still continue to go out and exercise, everyday, whether I am tired or not. Today I was absolutely exhausted, however, I pushed myself to walk at least 4 miles, which feels like nothing. Since I got fired a month ago, I've had more time to eat. Overeat that is, my main indulgences being whole wheat crackers and sugar free jello. Perhaps working did have its positives, I didn't eat as much and was a little less accessible to perps. Perhaps this is also still a sucky time of year. Our birthday is ten days before Christmas. The body will be 30 this year, yet what is there to celebrate? I keep debating on whether I should "take the day off" tomorrow, but I doubt i will let myself. I am not doing very well in my goal of being emaciated. My last visit to the weight loss clinic showed that I had only lost 6 lbs. I really need to crack down on myself and quit this overeating crap, I had done so well in the beginning months after my surgery. If it comes to the point that I have to stop buying food for myself altogether, just so I won't eat, I will do it!

Rambling!

2008-11-26T21:19:00.002-05:00

Today was pretty busy. Had an appointment at the Weight Loss Clinic. In the last month we only lost six pounds, the doctor said that our weight loss would be slowing down now. He asked what we would like to get down to, "140" I said outloud but inside I was saying "100". Today I only walked/jogged 7 miles. My daughter was astonished as I completed four miles by 7 a.m. to me that is hardly an accomplishment at all. I had to finish the rest tonight and I did, so I am proud of myself. Trying to give ourselves the "day off" tomorrow for Thanksgiving.
I hate Thanksgiving, especially since it has a lot to do with eating. That and its a suckish day family-wise. Our six year old part has been running around the treehouse wildly proclaiming that she is having dinner with the President tomorrow. How will she get there? She will fly on a private jet that serves lots and lots of pancakes. Obviously, she is a part that isn't affected by the abuse we endure. She is what we have lost and the way things should have been. I like her spunk. Holidays are not fun in our world, just ask one of other parts. She's convinced that we are all going to be killed over this weekend. That "bad people are going to take us down." She has the feeling or so she says, even though "the feeling" has happened several times, sometimes its right on, or sometimes its not. It's a 50/50 kind of thing and I am really hoping the feeling is wrong. Could this be our last Thanksgiving alive? It could be a possibility, you do never really truly know what the future holds. Just thinking about it scares me, something feels really, really wrong. This could very well be our last post. :(

2008-11-21T13:40:00.002-05:00

It's been about a week since we got the termination letter. I guess we should start thinking of other things to be doing now that we have all this free time. We are in a position right now where we can't do any work but we aren't the type to want to just sit at home feeling sorry for ourselves. While our days have actually been busy doing different things, that will lop off soon. We were thinking of volunteering somewhere at least just a few days a week to keep in the loop with outside human contact so when we do have to get a job the transition won't be as bad. I am hoping. We have a few ideas on what kind of volunteering we would like to do. We would like to either: 1) go back to Ski Roundtop as a volunteer 2) a local animal shelter or 3) at the YMCA. The YMCA would be a plus then I could go workout more. Here it is almost 2 p.m. and haven't ran or done anything yet and its starting to snow again. Snow is really giving the littles inside a great deal of excitement.

2008-11-19T23:12:00.003-05:00

I only ran about 3 miles today and it is seriously making me feel guilty. I promised myself that I wouldn't overeat today either and by the end of the day I had indulged in a cupcake that my sister-in-law had baked for everyone in honor of her birthday today. Each day I say I will start over again with the eating. If I stuck to the diet and didn't overeat I would be farther along in my goal to be emaciated. While its comforting to be able to see the bones more clearly defined in my upper body, I wish the rest of my body would catch up! I've heard that eating is strictly emotional, maybe its because of the job loss (yes, bringing up that wound again). I'm counting the days till my mother catches on...on a good note therapy tomorrow.

FIRED!

2008-11-16T01:22:00.003-05:00

Things have really changed for us in the past six months. As usual, I was so caught up with work that when I rushed back there three weeks after our surgery, everything fell apart. We went back out a week later because we were becoming very depressed. After the summer was over we returned and the "normalcy" started setting in until..we started becoming really ill. It's always been said to be an advocate for your own health care and something was wrong. To make a long story short we had developed an ulcer from the stress of work and contracted a bad case of cellulitis. Too fatigued and stressed out to work we went back out on leave.

It's now almost a month later and we were to return to work this Monday. We had requested an extended leave of absence and were told we would receive an answer within 30 days. Their answer? They decided to fire us instead. It's a shame in a way because it was our first "real job" and we had been there for almost ten years.

I really feel like a failure and that I have let everyone inside down. There are a lot of things going through my mind. If only we would have went back sooner or that we shouldn't have went out on leave at all and we are deadbeats not contributing to society and people will think we are too lazy to get a job....

Even though the body is 29 years old, we fear our mother finding out this information along with her network of henchmen of whom we call "the bad people". Severe punishments will be imposed with this news and we are really scared. In a normal world it would be none of her business because it doesn't directly effect her and the body is an adult not subject to her approval/disapproval, however it doesn't work that way in our world.

Perhaps its not the end of the world getting fired from a job, because people get fired everyday unfortunately. We are all trying to look at the positives to this in that it opens up a whole world of options and the chance to rewrite the future.

October 31st

2008-10-27T17:41:00.002-04:00

Halloween is just days away and the panic is slowly starting to fade in for everyone inside. We usually have a "don't worry about it until it happens" kind of approach to things but who knows what will happen this Halloween. Our session tonight was especially rough for my five-year-old part because she wishes our therapist could stay with her just for that one night. When she tried to explain to her this wasn't going to happen she got very angry and retreated inside and now she isn't talking to anyone. I just don't know how to help her right now. I am feeling a broad range of emotions myself, panicked, angry, numb. I feel helpless myself and I don't know what to do for her to make it better. I just want to give up right now and not think at all. October 31st is going to come whether we like it or not and its up to us to make the best of it. It just pisses me off that there are people out there who can truly turn it into something evil, I don't get it why couldn't they turn it around and focus their energies in the opposite direction?

Crazy Days/Crazy Nights

2008-10-24T10:15:00.002-04:00

Ever have one of those days where everything seems to happen? Halloween is about eight days a way, which sends shivers up my spine being raised the way I was. Not a good holiday at all. I have been switching a lot more and my littles are a bit on the hyper side. One of the helpers inside is really getting a run for her money with the five-year-old part, its kind of comical to see. We had an intense session with our therapist, which then led to a trip to the emergency room because we have been dealing with an ulcer for the last month and the pain doesn't seem to be subsiding. On the way home my brother called me to say he scored some hockey tickets for us Saturday night, in my excitement I raced home with so much energy that I decided I would go for an extra run..or so I thought...it was the last thing I remember. I "came to" hours later out in my car and was in a car accident. Someone hit us and then they took off. After that mess was over I got a call from my mother saying that my cousin had died suddenly that afternoon. Talk about an interesting day!

FAT is ME.

2008-10-23T11:05:00.005-04:00

These pictures describe exactly the way I have been feeling lately. I am almost 6 months post op and have lost roughly 78 pounds. Even though I do look different, I can't stand it when people call us skinny, because we don't feel that way we still feel FAT, OBESE, etc. We still have about 30 lbs. or so to lose and I increased my exercise by another mile a day (I jog 5 miles a day) and somedays feel like that isn't even enough, its already hard enough to fit in an hour of exercise in my day but I make the time no matter what. Some people say I am becoming obsessed with exercise but I don't really think so. My idea of overeating now is eating 2 crackers or a handful of popcorn between a meal or drinking something other than water like lemonade or decaffeinated coffee. I want to be that girl on the other side of the mirror, my goal is to be almost emaciated, that is what I want.

Just starting out

2008-10-22T22:17:00.003-04:00

This is my second attempt at blogging. Hopefully, I will make a better effort and things will turn out right this time...hmmm where do we, where do I begin? Like I said I feel like I am an alphabet or a personals ad with all the abbreviations, because I struggle with a variety of issues. I have PTSD and I also have DID/MPD, and then I thought I'd add to the mix and have gastric bypass surgery (GBS) too, so that has made things very interesting as well.

So my plan, is to blog about being DID and having weight loss surgery and whatever else in my world comes up.