I've been in a really grouchy mood lately because no matter what I do my weight seems to go up rather than down. I am at the point where I absolutely hate eating but nevertheless went on a binge over the weekend due to being so incredibly hungry (probably because we tried starving ourselves all week). I skipped the gym both days too due to lack of childcare which was good because I was soooooo exhausted but horrible because I didn't exercise. I am really frustrated because whatever I do, my weight either goes up a pound or two or back up. I am really mad at myself because I feel as though I am being lazy and I could try harder but I don't because I am so unmotivated. It's all literally becoming a nightmare. When I think of the gym its like torture.
So I went to see my therapist today. To me she seemed like she was pissed about something. She said it wasn't us but she could have been pissed off about something else IMO. I started talking to her about all this stuff I have mentioned above. To me it seemed like she was being short with me and coming off to me by her tone of voice and being critical at times. I pointed it out to her twice and she became really defensive and said that I was projecting. I don't understand projection in a therapeutic sense. So I looked it up today just to get a general idea. I still don't really get it and if part of projection is not realizing it, then that part is true. I truly don't.
Anyway, I told her that if I have to give up eating completely in order to lose weight, then I guess that is what I will have to try and start doing. My therapist said "Now, how do you expect me to respond to that?!?" I guess I did something wrong, because to me I was trying to tell her what was going on in my head, almost like I was thinking outloud. I wasn't trying to play games with her as if to say " I'm going to say I want to be anorexic and see how she responds to it."
I must not be expressing myself clearly enough. This whole eating/not eating/eating disorder/exercising stuff that I am going through isn't some childish game I am playing looking for attention. What I am trying to say is:
I'm scared about food, yet I think about it 24/7. Exercise is torture to me, yet I have to do it because when I eat I feel EXTREMELY guilty. Going out for dinner gives me a lot of anxiety and the thought terrifies me. When I put food in my mouth I feel as though I have failed, I am weak, oh if only I seriously could be anorexic. I already have all the psychological problems that go it just not the actual eating part. I need to be more strong willed. I must not eat. If I have to sit and read every book on weight/dieting/exercise/metabolism/losing weight in Barnes & Noble I will!
Labels: eating disorders; bulimia; anorexia; dieting; exercise