Happy Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving my daughter and I did something different. We had dinner by ourselves at a Pub. They had a pretty good spread and I was actually hungry after a week of trying to starve myself. I had been having anxiety all week regarding the dreaded Thanksgiving dinner. That must be the worst holiday of all for someone with an eating disorder.

So. I ate. I wouldn't say I overly stuffed myself I ate until I was a twinge, uncomfortably full and trotted off to the bathroom to purge (not caring if anyone was around to hear me or not). I immediately felt better physically and mentally and then my daughter and I headed off to the dessert buffet they had loading a huge plate of almost every dessert they had to "sample". Instead of eating the whole entire plate we took a bite or two of everything that was on it. Again, I immediately felt sick and went to the bathroom to purge again. I felt better almost instantly and actually pleased with myself for ridding the food from my body and there was no blood.

Unfortunately, a couple of days later my throat began to hurt pretty badly. I have flipped the other way and have been trying not to eat. My goal is to gradually cut down my calories on a day by day basis until I am only eating 200 or 300 a day if any at all. I don't want to purge anymore as it is taking a huge toll on my throat. It does scare me when I throw up blood because I know I can be doing a lot of damage. I think trying to eat as little as possible is the safer bet and I hope to continue on not eating through the holidays and then really stick to it all year long.

Struggling

I am still stuck in this deep depression. I can't seem to snap out of it. Trying to find the answer within is hard. It's not that I don't want to try I just feel very stuck and it shows because we've hardly been to the gym and that isn't like us. I feel like I am failing everything. I am not content with anything whether it be exercising, eating, sleeping, reading, watching television. I try to do things to distract myself and things that we like but I just don't care. I went to the hockey game last night which I used to LOVE, now I could care less, looking at the clock just wanting to go home but then again I don't want to be there either.

I feel very disconnected from my therapist. I've also been very isolated. I just don't know what to do anymore. We are literally just going through the motions. I guess for now the only thing we can do is just wait for it to pass over. Hopefully soon!

Whatever

I've been in a really grouchy mood lately because no matter what I do my weight seems to go up rather than down. I am at the point where I absolutely hate eating but nevertheless went on a binge over the weekend due to being so incredibly hungry (probably because we tried starving ourselves all week). I skipped the gym both days too due to lack of childcare which was good because I was soooooo exhausted but horrible because I didn't exercise. I am really frustrated because whatever I do, my weight either goes up a pound or two or back up. I am really mad at myself because I feel as though I am being lazy and I could try harder but I don't because I am so unmotivated. It's all literally becoming a nightmare. When I think of the gym its like torture.



So I went to see my therapist today. To me she seemed like she was pissed about something. She said it wasn't us but she could have been pissed off about something else IMO. I started talking to her about all this stuff I have mentioned above. To me it seemed like she was being short with me and coming off to me by her tone of voice and being critical at times. I pointed it out to her twice and she became really defensive and said that I was projecting. I don't understand projection in a therapeutic sense. So I looked it up today just to get a general idea. I still don't really get it and if part of projection is not realizing it, then that part is true. I truly don't.

Anyway, I told her that if I have to give up eating completely in order to lose weight, then I guess that is what I will have to try and start doing. My therapist said "Now, how do you expect me to respond to that?!?" I guess I did something wrong, because to me I was trying to tell her what was going on in my head, almost like I was thinking outloud. I wasn't trying to play games with her as if to say " I'm going to say I want to be anorexic and see how she responds to it."

I must not be expressing myself clearly enough. This whole eating/not eating/eating disorder/exercising stuff that I am going through isn't some childish game I am playing looking for attention. What I am trying to say is:

I'm scared about food, yet I think about it 24/7. Exercise is torture to me, yet I have to do it because when I eat I feel EXTREMELY guilty. Going out for dinner gives me a lot of anxiety and the thought terrifies me. When I put food in my mouth I feel as though I have failed, I am weak, oh if only I seriously could be anorexic. I already have all the psychological problems that go it just not the actual eating part. I need to be more strong willed. I must not eat. If I have to sit and read every book on weight/dieting/exercise/metabolism/losing weight in Barnes & Noble I will!

I am dying of an eating disorder. Nobody cares. I've tried. Believe me, i've tried but in the end I'm dying of eating disorder and nobody cares. not.even.me.

To Eat or Not To Eat That is the Question.

I'm bulimic and it sucks. I just went on a binge, I don't know what triggered it. I feel like complete crap, my stomach hurts and I didn't even go to the gym today. I already took a rest day on Tuesday so I am feeling SUPER guilty. There was no way I could have went though, I felt so jittery and nauseated. However, if I don't have the attitude about exercising like I do, then it would just get easier to miss day after day after day. I seriously wish I could go anorexic. I know that is horrible to say but what I feel like I am struggling with is just the same probably as what anorexics go through just minus the eating. Oh, if only I could give up food period. I would probably be less stressed.

Does It Really Matter?

I thought I would just write a quick post before I start researching the internet about what the hell I am doing wrong and why I keep gaining weight. When I have asked for advice it has come down to two theories:

a) I don't eat enough. (Hah! Yeah right!)
b) Muscle weighs more than fat. (since we weight train).

I hate it when people use option b. How about that I am just a fat ass who is never going to maintain her weight? I read somewhere online I wish that I would have kept the website that a person who was significantly overweight for most of their lives needs to exercise for 90 minutes a day at a MINIMUM. Most people need about 30-60 depending on what their needs are I guess. I have to give myself credit that even though I am ready to scream, cry, have a temper tantrum, etc. I try to tough through it although I am at the point now that I hate it soo much and my day isn't complete unless I go to the damn gym.

I was maintaining my weight between 152 and 155 lbs. but now its been skyrocketing to 158!!! What a disaster. I guess I have to exercise 24/7 and eat air. I am so disgusted with myself. I tried to measure my waist to make myself feel better, it supposedly went from a 39 to a 35, but I'm sure I was probably measuring wrong.

SIGH.

I guess I am off to researching for the night.

Nothing New Here

We already dropped out the of eating disorders group. I went for four weeks, we really gave it a try but it was pretty terrible. Most of the people that attended were patients of the therapist moderating the group and it felt like we interfering with some kind of clique. The conversation always seemed to revolve around two common subjects: golf and speed dating. This was because the people in the group were all talked out having had their sessions previously in the day. I thought it was just me, but apparently other people thought the group sucked as well because I found a comment section somewhere about it on the hospital website. When the moderator asked if she would see us the following week, I told her no, she wouldn't and that the group pretty much sucked. She pretty much said that that was on us then, if we didn't want to come back. Yeah, she's right if we don't want to go back that is on us.

As for my eating and exercise habits, now that school has started (for my daughter) I feel a little relief that I don't have to get up at 5 am to go the gym anymore. We started back into our rigorous exercise program Monday by Wednesday we already had to take a rest day because the day before my heart felt like it was literally going to explode out of my chest. My heart actually. Literally. Physically. Hurt. It felt like it was working very hard during my workout and the next morning I woke up very nauseated and was vomiting. Has anyone experienced this before, I feel like I am on my way to a heart attack.