New Years Resolutions

Wow. I have one follower for my blog what a loser I am. That isn't what one of my resolutions is for the year though. Instead of hitting the gym and getting in shape like most people say (oh my there have been a lot of gym tours this week, it reminds me of last year i wonder where those people are now...) Anyway, its time to really get REAL, I really need everyone's support on this please. My resolution(s) are as follows:

1) to curb my eating habits
2) to give up eating period.
3) keep going to the gym.

Lets see how we do. Happy New Year.

I will die, but I will be dead and skinny.

I gasped at the t.v. when I found out that Brittney Murphy died this week. When the news said she had a heart attack the first thing I thought of was how skinny she was. It stuck in my head about how Howard Stern commented on her "dieting down", changing her appearance and how much better she looked. I always envied her transformation from that frumpy girl in Clueless to how she looked in Uptown Girls. I always and still want to be her whether people thought she looked emaciated or not, that's how I want to look too. She has always been my role model and I have respected for her willpower and discipline to be so thin.

Looking at my last post, I have failed pretty miserably at my goal of cutting down my calories. I am trapped in this vicious binge/purge/starvation cycle. I still want to reach that goal that I posted after Thanksgiving. I just had a birthday where I turned 31 and I felt like Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles because everyone literally forgot my birthday. I was pleased with myself because I didn't eat any cake or dessert that day.

Sometimes things can feel so overwhelming that I have finally learned that I just need to work on one thing at a time and put the rest away for later, if I can. Since we are approaching the end of the year there a few things that I want to line up for 2010. Trying to keep myself busy is always a must because it keeps me distracted from eating. I am starting college in the beginning of January (even though I feel too old to go). There is an 18 and over swim club that I would also like to join for extra exercise. Hopefully those two things will keep me busy and the more distracted I need to be I guess I will just add more activities.

I must not eat I really need the willpower. I did just come across a site recently called prettythin.com. It has a lot of info on eating disorders and somewhat of a support system. I don't know too much about it as I just joined. I musn't be too crazy because I can get validation from watching the Devil Wears Prada, these are some quotes to live by:

"So none of the girls here eat anything?

Not since two became new four and zero became the new two.

Well, I'm a six...

Which is the new fourteen."

"You look so thin.

Really? It's for Paris, I'm on this new diet. Well, I don't eat anything and when I feel like I'm about to faint I eat a cube of cheese. I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight.

As for my exercise, if I miss a day at the gym my anxiety levels go up dramatically and I have to burn off all the panic which makes my heart rate level feel sky high at 175.

Happy Christmas and New Year if I don't write before then.

Happy Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving my daughter and I did something different. We had dinner by ourselves at a Pub. They had a pretty good spread and I was actually hungry after a week of trying to starve myself. I had been having anxiety all week regarding the dreaded Thanksgiving dinner. That must be the worst holiday of all for someone with an eating disorder.

So. I ate. I wouldn't say I overly stuffed myself I ate until I was a twinge, uncomfortably full and trotted off to the bathroom to purge (not caring if anyone was around to hear me or not). I immediately felt better physically and mentally and then my daughter and I headed off to the dessert buffet they had loading a huge plate of almost every dessert they had to "sample". Instead of eating the whole entire plate we took a bite or two of everything that was on it. Again, I immediately felt sick and went to the bathroom to purge again. I felt better almost instantly and actually pleased with myself for ridding the food from my body and there was no blood.

Unfortunately, a couple of days later my throat began to hurt pretty badly. I have flipped the other way and have been trying not to eat. My goal is to gradually cut down my calories on a day by day basis until I am only eating 200 or 300 a day if any at all. I don't want to purge anymore as it is taking a huge toll on my throat. It does scare me when I throw up blood because I know I can be doing a lot of damage. I think trying to eat as little as possible is the safer bet and I hope to continue on not eating through the holidays and then really stick to it all year long.

Struggling

I am still stuck in this deep depression. I can't seem to snap out of it. Trying to find the answer within is hard. It's not that I don't want to try I just feel very stuck and it shows because we've hardly been to the gym and that isn't like us. I feel like I am failing everything. I am not content with anything whether it be exercising, eating, sleeping, reading, watching television. I try to do things to distract myself and things that we like but I just don't care. I went to the hockey game last night which I used to LOVE, now I could care less, looking at the clock just wanting to go home but then again I don't want to be there either.

I feel very disconnected from my therapist. I've also been very isolated. I just don't know what to do anymore. We are literally just going through the motions. I guess for now the only thing we can do is just wait for it to pass over. Hopefully soon!

Whatever

I've been in a really grouchy mood lately because no matter what I do my weight seems to go up rather than down. I am at the point where I absolutely hate eating but nevertheless went on a binge over the weekend due to being so incredibly hungry (probably because we tried starving ourselves all week). I skipped the gym both days too due to lack of childcare which was good because I was soooooo exhausted but horrible because I didn't exercise. I am really frustrated because whatever I do, my weight either goes up a pound or two or back up. I am really mad at myself because I feel as though I am being lazy and I could try harder but I don't because I am so unmotivated. It's all literally becoming a nightmare. When I think of the gym its like torture.



So I went to see my therapist today. To me she seemed like she was pissed about something. She said it wasn't us but she could have been pissed off about something else IMO. I started talking to her about all this stuff I have mentioned above. To me it seemed like she was being short with me and coming off to me by her tone of voice and being critical at times. I pointed it out to her twice and she became really defensive and said that I was projecting. I don't understand projection in a therapeutic sense. So I looked it up today just to get a general idea. I still don't really get it and if part of projection is not realizing it, then that part is true. I truly don't.

Anyway, I told her that if I have to give up eating completely in order to lose weight, then I guess that is what I will have to try and start doing. My therapist said "Now, how do you expect me to respond to that?!?" I guess I did something wrong, because to me I was trying to tell her what was going on in my head, almost like I was thinking outloud. I wasn't trying to play games with her as if to say " I'm going to say I want to be anorexic and see how she responds to it."

I must not be expressing myself clearly enough. This whole eating/not eating/eating disorder/exercising stuff that I am going through isn't some childish game I am playing looking for attention. What I am trying to say is:

I'm scared about food, yet I think about it 24/7. Exercise is torture to me, yet I have to do it because when I eat I feel EXTREMELY guilty. Going out for dinner gives me a lot of anxiety and the thought terrifies me. When I put food in my mouth I feel as though I have failed, I am weak, oh if only I seriously could be anorexic. I already have all the psychological problems that go it just not the actual eating part. I need to be more strong willed. I must not eat. If I have to sit and read every book on weight/dieting/exercise/metabolism/losing weight in Barnes & Noble I will!

I am dying of an eating disorder. Nobody cares. I've tried. Believe me, i've tried but in the end I'm dying of eating disorder and nobody cares. not.even.me.

To Eat or Not To Eat That is the Question.

I'm bulimic and it sucks. I just went on a binge, I don't know what triggered it. I feel like complete crap, my stomach hurts and I didn't even go to the gym today. I already took a rest day on Tuesday so I am feeling SUPER guilty. There was no way I could have went though, I felt so jittery and nauseated. However, if I don't have the attitude about exercising like I do, then it would just get easier to miss day after day after day. I seriously wish I could go anorexic. I know that is horrible to say but what I feel like I am struggling with is just the same probably as what anorexics go through just minus the eating. Oh, if only I could give up food period. I would probably be less stressed.